you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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