he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
