I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
