When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
