It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
