wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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