Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Randomize
