i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize