but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
