You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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