I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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