If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
