I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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