i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
