I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
