I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
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