R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
