i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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