rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
