Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
