don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
