my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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