hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
