PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
