I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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