u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
