I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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