Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
