I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
