I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
