Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
