I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
