Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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