She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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