he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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