Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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