I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
