Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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