Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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