He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
