mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
