The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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