Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
