I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
