wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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