I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
