all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
