This girl is more easily done than said...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
