I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
