i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
