We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
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Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
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She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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