I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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