so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
