You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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